A New Year

Its almost half way through January and I'm just sitting to write this. Its not that I'm "behind", just that I haven't really had the words. I've been mulling over this topic since sometime in December and I'm still not sure how to start or finish. So, I'm just going to start...

Every new year, I find myself trying to come up with ways to be an incredible blogger. To use it as a ministry and write to help others. Then it just ends up being a "scrapbook" of sorts telling everyone what has hapened each month or new recipes or photo-shoots I've done...and occassionally having a blog worth reading, that is more along the lines of how I want to write. Even my "tradition" of 30 Days of Thankfulness didn't get finished this year.

In December, I started really evaluating why I blog and if its something I want to even do anymore. I so enjoy reading other blogs, but this last year it has been a chore to keep up with mine. I realized I don't have to blog to read others. I just feel defeated every year when I look back at my blog. I'm not a photog blogger, even though I'd love to carry my camera around and document every little thing I do. I'm not a mommy-blogger. I'm not a food blogger. And, I'm not a ministry blogger. I realized I use it just to scrapbook my life.

I enjoy the "scrapbook" aspect of it because I used to REALLY scrapbook. Blogging makes it easier b/c downloading pictures is much easier and cost-efficient. Plus, I can write and describe more of what is going on than scrapbooking really allows. Plus, with the invention of Shutterfly, I ever need to print, cut, sticker, or assemble pictures again. I love that I was able to use the blog to "scrapbook" every detail of my wedding and all the planning, but I'm not sure scrapbooking is something that I'm willing to continue blogging for.

Now I had the question looming, "Do I want to keep blogging or just give it up?"

Its hard to give something up that I've enjoyed in the past. But, if I continued, I wanted to be able to write and be real and talk about tough topics. I wanted it to be ministry! However, at this time in our lives, this isn't possible for me. There are some topics and life changes that have occurred that just aren't making the blog. I wish that I could be completely transparent on here like so many bloggers are, but I don't know how to do that and be respectful of people in my life. So for now, I'm having to let that go.

To release the inner-writer in me, I've picked up journaling again. Its a way that I can truly write out what I want to talk about that is a more private setting. Its not touching peoples' lives like I would want it to, but maybe there will come a day when God calls me to use it.

I truly feel called to ministry and am seeking God on how that will look and His timing. I've had the desire to blog to "make a difference" until He was ready to do more with me. However, I now know that this isn't where He wants me to use my voice. I think so many of us women just want to have purpose and to leave a legacy. We struggle to find that niche. It looks different for us all. And, I'm learning that I am not called to be like my favorite bloggers. I see them touching lives and I want to be there too, but the blogging world isn't my niche.

As of right now, I'm not turning my blog "off". I just see it differently. I may not blog every month. I may not have interesting blogs. I may blog just for me. I may post a million pictures of my sweet puppies. And, there may be times that I actually blog something that is meaningful. But, as 2013 begins, I've come to terms that this isn't a place for me to be transparent. It makes me a little sad b/c if you know me at all, you know I'm brutally honest about my life. I love sharing my life in hopes that it might help just one person. I've come to terms that God has a specific place for that and its not through blogging.

The hardest part for me is to sit in a "holding patter". In limbo. In a "waiting room" (awesome sermon...take a listen!). I want to be making a difference, but I know that I don't need to CREATE my own circumstances of ministry, but get to work where God has me right now. I need to seek ministry where I am, not create what I want it to look like. The ministry God is calling me to is not to blog to thousands of women that I may never meet, but to be seeking out the handful that are around me right now.

As I start this new year, I'm going to be looking for where God wants me to serve and not trying to make something work in an area that I think I should be doing ministry. I want to refocus my desire to where He wants me and not where I selfishly want to be. So, I will get to work in my "waiting room".