July 2010

July, July...you went by too quickly!!!! I think I was wishing it away b/c I was so looking forward to our vacation in August. Sadly, July ending means that summer is coming to an end as well. :( Sadly as summer passes, I took less pictures. Here's what happened this month...

~July 1st, we got Miss Finley!!!!! Michelle and Devin went to NYC for their anniversary trip and we got to keep Finley for half their trip! It was so fun!!!!! She was so sweet and good and very easy!!!!! We played inside most of the time b/c it rained quite a bit. We got outside when we could though. She just loved Ruger!!!! Every night before bed and every morning, she would sit on the couch with me, put a blanket over her, and pat the couch next to her and say, "dog. pees? ("please")"....b/c she wanted Ruger to sit next to her. It was so cute. I think I taught her a bad "habit". She LOVED watching little TV shows on Nickalodeon and Disney. She hadn't really watched a lot of TV, but she was so cute....she go into a daze watching it and then just start laughing and dancing....and then back to the daze. It was pretty funny! We had so much fun and can't wait for her next visit!
~Our 4th of July was pretty uneventful. I drove Finley to her grandparents house. Then came home in the rain. And thats about it.
~This little guy hung around our house A LOT!!!! I think there was a "she" also. They had to have had a next somewhere.....but it was so fun to have roadrunners running around the house! ~We went to Tulsa and had dinner with Tia and Taylor. It was the first time we'd seen them since their wedding....and they were leaving for their belated honeymoon the next day. We had a really good time with them and catching up!
~We went to Tulsa for Ken to take a class. While he was in class, I hung out with friends. I met Cindy and her kids, Gavin and Ella, at Incredible Pizza with my nephew, Caleb. It was fun to see them, but not the ideal girl-time we had in our head. It was craziness!!!! The kids had a good time though. Next time, I think Cindy and I will plan something for just the two of us. :) ~I also was able to see my sweet friend (and college roommate), Rachel and her kids, Jake and Kate. We had a great time visiting. I just love her and miss her so very much! We went to The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino....I wasn't that impressed. I thought it would be nicer....like Vegas....but NO! It was fine...but wouldn't rush back. ~We got to see my mom's sister and her family....Steve, Julie, Hannah, Gracie and Hill. It was so good to see them and I was glad we were all in Tulsa at the same time.
~My cousin, Sarah, had her little baby!!!! So sweet!!!! His name is Houston!
~My friend Theresa had her 40th b-day and her husband threw her a surprise party!
~Arbonne Party for my neice, Raley, and all her friends. It was fun to play in the make-up and teach them about skin care. Caleb and Cannie were such a big help! Caleb even drew signs for me. The one below is for Arbonne's FC5 line! :) ~Ken and I went back to Tulsa for another class he was taking. This time I was able to see some friends that I haven't seen in forever!!!! We had dinner at Los Cabos and it was wonderful!!!! I'm so thankful that we were all able to get together again....and they were able to meet Ken for the first time. ~I also got to meet sweet Adrienne the next morning. She's adorable and I love seeing my friends as parents...its such a sweet blessing! ~My mom and I enjoyed a nice, relaxing day at the pool. We just laid out and talked and enjoyed the quietness.
~Mercedes Test Drive!!!!! This is such a fun Arbonne event!!!! At the 3rd promotion, consultants get a company car!!!! And it just happends that Arbonne's company car of choice is the mercedes!!!! :) We had a short meeting, test drove some cars/SUV's and then had a great dinner at Zio's!!!
~I started ZUMBA again....and my friend Tashia has been going with me!
~Kenny and I our 2-year "the day we met" anniversary!!!! :)
~We LOVED watching the Bachelorette!!!! We love Ali!!!!! And we LOVE that she picked Roberto!!!! I have to say that if she had picked Chris, we wouldn't have been disappointed either. We loved both of the her top two....which is a FIRST!
~Celebrated my friend Kari's birthday with sushi!
~Double date with Tracy and Gerald
~I finally got my closet all organized!!!!!
~Cookout with the McGuire's
~Project Runway started its new season!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!
~Celebrated our pastor's 25th year at church!!!! We love him and are so blessed to know him!
~This is what summer looks like from our deck:
~And this was about 30 minutes after the pictures above....a storm was moving in and it was COOL! ~Watching "Pretty Little Liars". I thought I would quit watching it, but I got sucked in. It was like a drug and I couldn't stop! Its pretty good....I like all the girls and the fashion, of course.
~"Rizzoli and Isles" premiered and I like it! I like most cop shows, so it wasn't a huge surprise....plus I really like the two actresses in it.
~LOVE "Covert Affairs" which also premiered this month. LOVE IT!
~I tried to watch Jillian's new show....and we did for a few weeks, but I haven't watched it in awhile and I don't feel like I'm missing anything....BUT, I'm still looking forward to the next season of "The Biggest Loser".
~And, I'll close with a picture of my sweet, baby Ruger! I just love him!!!! He's so fun and I love our little routine we have! :)

Timing

Most of the time, I don't question God's will in the "big picture". I feel I have a pretty good understanding of grace, salvation, that earth is my temporary home, that I am to be a light to this world, the end-times, etc.

What I do struggle with, most of the time, is God's timing. It is rarely my timing. That is a good thing. I can't imagine the things I would have messed up if I had gotten "my way". I got married A LOT later than I had originally planned, but I wouldn't change one single thing about it. It was hard and I heard a lot of encouragement, but it worked out perfectly. Of course, b/c God was in control. I was so worried about my age...and not finding anyone...and if I did, would we be able to have kids before we were too old....and so on. I realized that all of that was out of my control, so I just needed to be content with where I was and with God's timing. As I've gotten older, its been really fun to see other couples and their lives and when they got married and had kids. Ken and I are on the exact plan God has for us.

Lately, my biggest question/struggle is why my house won't sell. Its stressful and frustrating. And some days I even feel like God is punishing me. For what? I don't know. I truly thought I was making the right decision 4 years ago when I bought my house....but now I second guess it. Why won't it sell???? There is nothing wrong with it! For me, its discouraging b/c I have so much sentiment wrapped up in it that I don't understand why people don't just LOVE it!

We are at a loss for what to do next. Leave it on the market? Rent it? Sell it "by owner"? Just when we though it was all figured out, everything fell through and we are back at square-one.

God has taught me many things in my past about His character and His timing. I'm trying very hard to apply what I've learned to this situation. I wish this burden would be lifted from us. I just have to trust that whatever He is working is best. Here is what I know:

~His timing is ALWAYS perfect.
~His plan is ALWAYS best.
~He knows me (and Ken & I) better than I know myself.
~He goes exceedingly, abundantly above anything I could ever imagine!
~If we knew the outcome or what to do all the time, there wouldn't be a need to trust Him or have a relationship with Him.
~He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!
~He has NEVER failed me!

Good Luck?

Sometimes, as believers, we use our faith as a "good-luck-charm", hoping it will grant us "wishes". I've used it saying, "If I'm good enough or have a consistent quiet time or just trust enough, then God will let me get married." Now, did any one of those things allow me to get married? NO! Some people use it to grant "wishes" of getting pregnant, having healthy babies, over-coming disease/sickness, protection from numerous bad things, etc.

Just like the Isrealites, in 1 Samuel 4:1-11, thought that they lost the battle b/c they didn't have the Ark of the Covenant in their physical presence, so we as Christians think bad things happen b/c we have "fallen away" or aren't being "good enough".

How many times do you hear people say....
"If you just have faith, God will bring you your spouse."
"If you just have faith, God will allow you to get pregnant."
"If you will just trust Him, He will remove the cancer (or other sickness)."

Hearing it makes me want to laugh and vomit at the same time. I laugh b/c it cracks me up that people tell me what God is going to do in my life. REALLY? Only God knows what He is going to do...only God! And the part that makes me want to vomit? Well, I get very angry when I hear..."If you just have enough faith" or "If you just trust Him"....so, what you're saying is that the people who die of cancer, or who have miscarriages or who can't get pregnant, they don't have enough faith???? From what I've seen, sometimes its quite the contrary! Most of the time trials like that bring people closer to the Lord b/c they can't live one day without His sufficiency. We should all be living that way!

But my point is...its not about us!!! God NEVER leaves us!!! His plan is just different from what we are thinking....and more than likely, it isn't our plan!

The hurtful side of thinking our faith will "grant wishes" is that we are just setting our life up for failure! We get let down b/c we put expectations on God. People stay single, women don't get pregnant, babies are born with handicaps or disorders, babies/children die, parents dies, friends die. We live in a fallen world. What's interesting to me about the things listed, is that somehow God manages to make those "bad" things a blessing. Even in the hurt and even through the tears, He is there! He makes all things good for those who love Him. His "good" just looks different than we expect. We serve a sovereign God whose plan is so big we can't comprehend it!

God is still there.

Waiting.

Let your expectations go and come back to Him.

He's waiting for us to see Him for who He truly is.

All powerful.

All sovereign.

All loving.

All gracious.

God.

The Days After

The day after I met Ken, I got up early for church and super excited to get there and see if he came. And, he did.

The day went very fast. After church we had lunch with Suzi and his best friend (and our best man), Jeff. From there we went to their friend's kennel to play with some new puppies. From there, we dropped Suzi off and then back to my truck at the church. He was heading back to his home 2 hours away. He wasn't moving here for almost one more month.

He asked for my phone number.

I left worrying that we were going to play the whole early-20's game of, "he won't call for 3 days." Surely NOT!!!! We are too old for games!!! Thankfully, he felt the same way. A few hours later, I get a text that says, "Do you miss me yet?" Um, YES!!!

That night and the next, we would talk until at least 2am...if not later. We learned a lot about each other. And, we set our "first" date. He was coming back here to put an offer on a house. Our first date consisted of having lunch at McAlister's, looking at OUR house, going to the bank to get the loan, and then going to the realtor to sign all the papers.

All of this was followed by more phone calls, surprise dates, more dates, him moving here, meeting friends and families, enjoying being in the same town, holidays, meeting extended families, the engagement and the wedding! Now I'm married to the most wonderful man....who I met at Starbucks....two years ago!

Life Changing Moment

Two years ago today, I walked into Starbucks and my life changed forever.

It had been a crazy weekend. On Friday night, I was going to OKC with a group of girlfriends to celebrate Kari's birthday. As I was leaving my friend Suzi called and asked what I was doing. She wanted me to come to dinner b/c she had someone she wanted me to meet. I declined due to the plans I already had...but I remember jokingly telling her that I could just run in b/c I was all dressed up and looked cute! haha!

Saturday, I had to work that afternoon at a shoe store that I was working at for FUN! Really, it was for fun!! :) After work, I was planning to go home to my parent's house b/c my mom had surgery that week before. She was supposed to already be home and my dad said they were keeping her one more night, so he said to stay here. I went home and my friend Emily called and said she was in town for a date and came by to visit before...and it was a place she could be picked up. While she was at the house, Suzi called again to see what I was doing. I was doing nothing. She continued on saying that her and "this guy" were out looking at houses b/c he was moving back here and that we needed to meet. I remember asking her if he was sitting RIGHT THERE....and she says, "yes, but who cares? We are all adults and just need to get over it." haha!!! Okay....so now it was a set-up and I was feeling the pressure. She said they were on their way to Starbucks and I should join them for coffee.

Within minutes, I was in my truck heading to Starbucks. I cried on the way there. I didn't know if I could handle another blind-date or just meeting another guy to be let down. I hated the cycle. I had always been told, finding the right person will only happen once....so you'll go through a lot of break-ups. I was frustrated and I cried. I, of course, "fixed" myself before I got there.

I walked in the door of Starbucks. There they were. Suzi hugged me and introduced me to Kenny. Great smile! I thought he looked "old"....but I had to remind myself that the last person I dated was 21....and I didn't want to date someone younger than me ever again. As I listened to all the good things Suzi was saying about him and watching him, I started seeing someone I could really be with. I started hoping he felt the same.

I have no idea how long we sat there and talked, but before we knew it, we realized it was dinner time and Suzi asked if I wanted to go eat with them. And, I said YES! We decided to head to a small town about 20 minutes away to eat at a great steak house!!! On the way there, we were listening to country music and I remember him singing along to "Waitin' On a Woman" by Brad Paisley. And it was good. :) And it was on my "list" too. Dinner was great and the conversation never had any silence. Sadly, I felt like it was over too soon.

We went back to Suzi's house and visited for awhile. There I learned that Suzi had shown him pictures of me on myspace. Her trying to get us to meet on Friday night was all her idea...but after seeing my pictures, it was HIS suggestion to call me on Saturday to meet for coffee. :)

Kenny drove me back to my truck. We talked the entire way. I invited him to church and just HOPED that he would come the next day. As I got into my truck, I knew that I would marry him.

Promises

Do you ever try to make promises to God? I sit here laughing at what I just asked! Just the thought that I, created and fallen sinner, would think that I could actually keep a promise to God, the Creator....GOD!!!

As ridiculous as I feel writing, I laugh just thinking about all the promises I've told God in different situations:
~If I have my quiet time every day, would You please give me ______.
~I promise to seek You always if _______.
~If You will do ______, I promise I will never ask for anything again.
~If you do _______, then I know I am loved.
And I'm sure there are MANY more that I just can't remember.

These promises show me that I ASSUMED God would actually "bargain" with me; or that if my works were good enough, He would give me what I hoped for. I didn't trust that He loved me or that it would all work in His timing. I was putting what I wanted over what He was doing. I trusted him with the outcome, but wasn't always trusting Him in the process of getting to the outcome. Is it bad to make promises to God?

During my study of David, I was reading 1 Samuel 1-19:28 and still discussing Hannah. She promised God that if she could have a baby, she would give him to God for the rest of his life. Here is what Beth Moore said of Hannah, "Samuel learned faith from his mother - a woman whose faithfulness evidenced her faith, a woman with compulsory praise on her lips. She met painful sacrifice with a song."

My promises I try to make with God sound much like Hannah's. I believe that even though we are fallen and try to bargain with God, He knows our hearts. He knows we can't keep certain promises, but I want to be faithful in keeping my promises. He knows my heart! How amazing was Hannah to give her son to serve the Lord at age 3???? She was so thankful for what the Lord had given her that she gave the sacrifice to the Lord.

By the time I had met Ken, I had learned that God wasn't punishing me by not allowing me to be married. I had learned that if I was to be married, it would happen in His timing. I also remember promising that if I ever got married, I wouldn't take forgranted of my husband. I would remember to enjoy everything....even laundry and doing the dishes....b/c I would have someone to share my life with. I thank God everyday for Ken! There are days that I struggle with my attitude on certain things that we are dealing with, but I am so very thankful that I he is in my life.

My prayer is that I remember to appreciate every moment when we have kids and our family grows. Oh, to be a mother like Hannah! How her faithfulness to the Lord was the most important thing to her! She knew only God could give her the desires of her heart. She trusted God with her son's life. She praised God for the gift of having a son by giving her son back to the Lord. I pray Ken and I raise our children to love, trust and obey their Lord and Savior.

Beth Moore closed this devotional with a prayer that I just love:
"Lord God, may I want nothing greater for my children than that they should be taught by You, established on a foundation of righteousness (Is. 54:13-14). May I faithfully tell them of Your might and the wonderful works You've performed, that they might put their confidence in You - that they might become a generation whose heart is loyal and whose spirit is faithful to You (Ps. 78:4, 7-8)."

1 Samuel 1:18

"....so the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad."

Hannah, this sweet woman of God was weeping because she could not have children. Not only for women is that hard to deal with, but she was also being harassed by her husband's other wife b/c the other wife could have children. (Even at this time, it still was never God's plan for men to have more than one wife! So, its interesting how time and time again we see that peoples' sins affect other people than themselves.). Hannah takes her pain and grief to the Lord! She goes to the "house of the Lord" and cried out silently to God! Verse 18 is how Hannah left after falling before the God who hears and heals us. What I am so impressed about by Hannah is that, in this passage, she took her pain directly to the Lord. She didn't taunt the other wife back or get angry with her husband. She went to the only One who could truly deal with her pain!

Thank You Lord for taking our pain when we offer it to You!

Thank You for allowing me to come before Your throne with my heart!

My first response isn't always to come to You FIRST. Sometimes, I try to handle it on my own and then come to You so frustrated that I just want to give up. I know I should come to You first, and You will let me walk with You in peace through any trial.

Thank You for being there whether I come to You first or last.

Thank You for being the only One who fully understands and loves me.

Thank You for being 100% sufficient.

Thank You for answering my prayers, even if the answer is "no" or "wait".

Sometimes I come to you last b/c I feel like You don't REALLY know what I'm going through, or b/c I think I can handle it on my own. But those are both lies from the enemy.

You are God!

You are my Savior!

You created me and know me better than I know myself!

I pray that I will not allow these lies to hinder me from coming to You!

Perfection

In the last several months, I realized why I get so stressed when I sing in public. I am expecting perfection out of myself. So to me, being a good singer means being perfect! I don't want to mess up ONE thing! (JJ knows that timing is my worst enemy!!!). If I even crack the slightest bit, I get really mad at myself and think that it wasn't good.

I'm starting to wonder if that is how I look at my life as well. I don't feel "worthy" sometimes. To me, being "worthy" means being perfect. Since I will never be perfect, then will I always see myself as not being "good enough"??? When I start to see my lack of perfection, I just give up. What's the point in trying? On days that the house is overwhelming, I just decide to not do laundry or pick up or finish painting. On days that I overeat, I just give up and tell myself that I should just stop trying b/c I'll never be "skinny". Since I can't achieve perfection, then I'm just not going to try. If I don't try...then I don't see myself fail. Or do I? My house is still messy. Painting still needs to be finished. My body still needs to be healthy. If I don't work little by little, failure stares at me everyday! But when I do take a look at everything, I start getting the overwhelming feeling that I can't get ahead!!! My house is still for sale (over a year), I'm not losing weight like I want to (I'm not gaining either though. That's a blessing!), we are both starting new jobs, our house constantly needs something done to it, we are working to pay off the last of our debt, there is always laundry or cleaning, always yard work, always a to-do pile on my desk at work, and I just can't convince myself to get to the gym as much as I would like to. In the midst of all of that, I just want to have fun and spend time with my husband, my family, and my friends. Is that too much to ask??? The have-to's in life are keeping me from the want-to's....and that makes me give up as well.

Things I remind myself:
1. Be obedient now, and my heart will follow
2. No one wants to do the HAVE-to's, but we do them b/c its obedient
3. Don't let your blessings become burdens (thank you Judith)!

In all of this, I am usually at a state of conflict of feeling like I can't get ahead and striving for perfection. And then I quit. Its easier to quit than be perfect. I'm apparently afraid to fail (I actually have known this for awhile). God doesn't want me to live in fear. Fear is paralyzing! I'm learning that I have to let myself get over the fact that I will never be perfect, AND I can't just quit! Thankfully, I serve a God who is perfect! And He gives me the strength to keep going.

I don't know why I think I need to be perfect when Christ is the only Perfect being! He's God! He came to offer freedom from rules and this world, so that we can live life fully in Him! I remind myself that my lack of perfection shows my need for my Savior! I need a Savior so I don't have to be (or try to be) perfect. I need a Savior from food. I need a Savior from laziness. I need a Savior from what others think about me.

We ALL have sinned. I fall short of God's glory. I'm justified by GRACE. I'm redeemed by Christ! (Romans 3:23-24)

God chose for ME to live the life I live. He chose me to work where I do (for right now). He chose me to sing. He chose me to be a consultant for Arbonne. He chose me to marry Ken. He chose me to be a wife. He chose me to have a home. He chose me to make this home peaceful for my family. He chose me to reveal His glory!

In my imperfection, He uses me for His glory!

And, now, I sit humbled.

Instead of letting pride and fear get the best of me, I want to turn my energy into doing things that glorify God.

Again, learning from my David study, I want to do my "jobs" with integrity of heart and skillful hands (Psalm 78:72).

My Heart

Right now, God is really...I mean, REALLY....working on my heart. I started Beth Moore's 90 Days with David study. I thought it would be good b/c 1.) I just haven't found anything that I'm super excited about; 2.) I already had it so I didn't have to spend any money; and 3.) each day is pretty short so it wasn't a lot of time/work. Well, its been a lot of "work"....on me! Most of what I'm "learning" is stuff I already knew about myself, but now God is telling me that its time to stop over-looking it and pushing it aside. What am I talking about???

Pride. Stubbornness. Pride.

I don't like needing help. I don't like accepting grace from others. Only b/c it makes me feel like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel guilty and not "good enough" if I can't do it myself. I always thought this was just how I related to other people, but I'm finding it spills (and has always) into my relationship with the Lord. I have "issues" categorized in my head by things I can do myself and things I need God's help with. God doesn't see eye-to-eye on this with me. He says He wants to be a part of EVERYTHING. Well, being a part of everything is fine, but just let me handle it....at least until its too big for me and THEN I'll ask for help. Yeah....He doesn't see eye-to-eye on this with me either. And, He has a point.

I've really noticed lately that when I try to do it all on my own, I get a little stressed. When I'm not walking in the Spirit and letting Him lead, I get very frustrated b/c I'm constantly failing. Well, OF COURSE!!!! Like I said, these are things I know....but just pushed aside for another time. Anyway----when I'm doing things "on my own" I find myself a lot more insecure about my appearance and in my decision making. Then I get so stressed that I just decide to stop making decisions...and I end up just sitting. Literally, just sitting and not getting anything done. Its easier to be lazy and just not deal with anything.

But, now I have this thing called a husband! :) And there has never been greater accountability to be godly than in being a wife. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE being married!!!! And, I just have to say that my husband is amazingly perfect for me! He is not demanding and he is the ultimate grace-giver. These two qualities hold me accountable without him actually holding me accountable. He makes me want to be a better person (I know, totally cliche and I stole it from a movie)....but truly, he does! I want to be a good wife! I want him to come home to a place that he can relax! I want him to listen to me and not worry that every other word is going to be something about hating my body at that moment! So, this drives me to NOT just sit or be lazy or stop making decisions.

What's standing in my way?
Pride. Do I need to really say it again? I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAND THINGS ON MY OWN! Or...I don't want to deal with it b/c I don't like the circumstances. Wow! Do I sound like a two-year-old, or what???

How do I change this?
I have to consciously and actively make the decision to follow Christ! To be more like HIM! To be a servant. To take care of the domain He has given me. To be faithful with the small things He's given me so that I can be trusted with bigger things. To actively let go of my pride. To know I need Him. To know, sometimes, that I need other people too. Laying my pride at the feet of Jesus! Giving Him all that I am trying to carry on my own. Daily. Hourly. Every second of every minute.