Perfection

In the last several months, I realized why I get so stressed when I sing in public. I am expecting perfection out of myself. So to me, being a good singer means being perfect! I don't want to mess up ONE thing! (JJ knows that timing is my worst enemy!!!). If I even crack the slightest bit, I get really mad at myself and think that it wasn't good.

I'm starting to wonder if that is how I look at my life as well. I don't feel "worthy" sometimes. To me, being "worthy" means being perfect. Since I will never be perfect, then will I always see myself as not being "good enough"??? When I start to see my lack of perfection, I just give up. What's the point in trying? On days that the house is overwhelming, I just decide to not do laundry or pick up or finish painting. On days that I overeat, I just give up and tell myself that I should just stop trying b/c I'll never be "skinny". Since I can't achieve perfection, then I'm just not going to try. If I don't try...then I don't see myself fail. Or do I? My house is still messy. Painting still needs to be finished. My body still needs to be healthy. If I don't work little by little, failure stares at me everyday! But when I do take a look at everything, I start getting the overwhelming feeling that I can't get ahead!!! My house is still for sale (over a year), I'm not losing weight like I want to (I'm not gaining either though. That's a blessing!), we are both starting new jobs, our house constantly needs something done to it, we are working to pay off the last of our debt, there is always laundry or cleaning, always yard work, always a to-do pile on my desk at work, and I just can't convince myself to get to the gym as much as I would like to. In the midst of all of that, I just want to have fun and spend time with my husband, my family, and my friends. Is that too much to ask??? The have-to's in life are keeping me from the want-to's....and that makes me give up as well.

Things I remind myself:
1. Be obedient now, and my heart will follow
2. No one wants to do the HAVE-to's, but we do them b/c its obedient
3. Don't let your blessings become burdens (thank you Judith)!

In all of this, I am usually at a state of conflict of feeling like I can't get ahead and striving for perfection. And then I quit. Its easier to quit than be perfect. I'm apparently afraid to fail (I actually have known this for awhile). God doesn't want me to live in fear. Fear is paralyzing! I'm learning that I have to let myself get over the fact that I will never be perfect, AND I can't just quit! Thankfully, I serve a God who is perfect! And He gives me the strength to keep going.

I don't know why I think I need to be perfect when Christ is the only Perfect being! He's God! He came to offer freedom from rules and this world, so that we can live life fully in Him! I remind myself that my lack of perfection shows my need for my Savior! I need a Savior so I don't have to be (or try to be) perfect. I need a Savior from food. I need a Savior from laziness. I need a Savior from what others think about me.

We ALL have sinned. I fall short of God's glory. I'm justified by GRACE. I'm redeemed by Christ! (Romans 3:23-24)

God chose for ME to live the life I live. He chose me to work where I do (for right now). He chose me to sing. He chose me to be a consultant for Arbonne. He chose me to marry Ken. He chose me to be a wife. He chose me to have a home. He chose me to make this home peaceful for my family. He chose me to reveal His glory!

In my imperfection, He uses me for His glory!

And, now, I sit humbled.

Instead of letting pride and fear get the best of me, I want to turn my energy into doing things that glorify God.

Again, learning from my David study, I want to do my "jobs" with integrity of heart and skillful hands (Psalm 78:72).