My Heart

Right now, God is really...I mean, REALLY....working on my heart. I started Beth Moore's 90 Days with David study. I thought it would be good b/c 1.) I just haven't found anything that I'm super excited about; 2.) I already had it so I didn't have to spend any money; and 3.) each day is pretty short so it wasn't a lot of time/work. Well, its been a lot of "work"....on me! Most of what I'm "learning" is stuff I already knew about myself, but now God is telling me that its time to stop over-looking it and pushing it aside. What am I talking about???

Pride. Stubbornness. Pride.

I don't like needing help. I don't like accepting grace from others. Only b/c it makes me feel like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel guilty and not "good enough" if I can't do it myself. I always thought this was just how I related to other people, but I'm finding it spills (and has always) into my relationship with the Lord. I have "issues" categorized in my head by things I can do myself and things I need God's help with. God doesn't see eye-to-eye on this with me. He says He wants to be a part of EVERYTHING. Well, being a part of everything is fine, but just let me handle it....at least until its too big for me and THEN I'll ask for help. Yeah....He doesn't see eye-to-eye on this with me either. And, He has a point.

I've really noticed lately that when I try to do it all on my own, I get a little stressed. When I'm not walking in the Spirit and letting Him lead, I get very frustrated b/c I'm constantly failing. Well, OF COURSE!!!! Like I said, these are things I know....but just pushed aside for another time. Anyway----when I'm doing things "on my own" I find myself a lot more insecure about my appearance and in my decision making. Then I get so stressed that I just decide to stop making decisions...and I end up just sitting. Literally, just sitting and not getting anything done. Its easier to be lazy and just not deal with anything.

But, now I have this thing called a husband! :) And there has never been greater accountability to be godly than in being a wife. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE being married!!!! And, I just have to say that my husband is amazingly perfect for me! He is not demanding and he is the ultimate grace-giver. These two qualities hold me accountable without him actually holding me accountable. He makes me want to be a better person (I know, totally cliche and I stole it from a movie)....but truly, he does! I want to be a good wife! I want him to come home to a place that he can relax! I want him to listen to me and not worry that every other word is going to be something about hating my body at that moment! So, this drives me to NOT just sit or be lazy or stop making decisions.

What's standing in my way?
Pride. Do I need to really say it again? I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAND THINGS ON MY OWN! Or...I don't want to deal with it b/c I don't like the circumstances. Wow! Do I sound like a two-year-old, or what???

How do I change this?
I have to consciously and actively make the decision to follow Christ! To be more like HIM! To be a servant. To take care of the domain He has given me. To be faithful with the small things He's given me so that I can be trusted with bigger things. To actively let go of my pride. To know I need Him. To know, sometimes, that I need other people too. Laying my pride at the feet of Jesus! Giving Him all that I am trying to carry on my own. Daily. Hourly. Every second of every minute.