Sisters

Its funny how friendships change over the years.

Last year, my best friend and I went through some "growing pains". It may have just been on my side, but I'd be shocked if she didn't notice the change. Its funny b/c we've never really talked about it. 2010 was a pretty tough year from me. Lots of change and spiritual growth. Its one of those years I look back and am so thankful that its over...and realize that I only made it through by God's grace and His strength. In the midst of the change and some disappointment, I started pulling away from her. My phone calls became fewer and the amount of time we spent together was much more sparse than it had been. I know it sounds weird (probably not to her), but I kind of measure that by her two pregnancies. With the first pregnancy, we were on our usual track...like it had always been. We saw each other all the time and I knew every little thing that was going on with her and the pregnancy. The first couple years of Finley's life, I can't even count how many times I saw her. A major difference was that I wasn't married yet and I wasn't concerned about finances, so I bought Finley something EVERY single time I was at Walmart! I just love spoiling that girl!

Last year, life was just full of hurt, disappointment, change, and lots of spiritual growth. Spiritual growth isn't always painful, but when you're hanging on for dear life to what you want in life, it can be pretty painful when God is moving you in a new direction. Anyway---Michelle found out she was pregnant with Jude last summer. While I was super excited, I was so consumed in selfishness that I didn't enjoy her pregnancy as much as the first one. Like I said, I found myself calling and seeing her less. I didn't get attached to Jude like I did Finley. I noticed that sometime this summer when I realized that I can count on one hand how many times I've seen Jude in his 6-7 months of life. I know some might say, "He's only 6-7 months old, how much could you really see him?"....but I saw Finley every chance I could get.

Please, don't mistake my love for Jude. As soon as I noticed this, I was so sad. I hate the thought that I haven't seen him or don't have the attachment (YET) to him that I did to Finley at this age. I hate that there are days that I don't know Michelle as a mother of two. I hate that I don't know Jude and what makes him "tick" right now. This isn't a "playing favorites" game. I love both of them the exact same. I just know Finley better.

Michelle and I celebrated our birthdays a few days ago. We have a two week difference in age and always plan a day to just spend together. I cannot explain how excited I was to spend the day with Jude (sorry, Michelle :))! Finley was at Mother's Day Out for the morning, so I got to see Jude alone!!! I know he went on our girls trip back in May, but he was only a few months old and he was pretty much on his 3 hour schedule still. :) This time, he was all smiles. It took only seconds for us to bond! I had him loving me so much that he cried when I closed the door to the car where he couldn't see me anymore. SCORE!!! hahaha!

This morning, I was making a list of things that I didn't want to forget about 2010 and 2011. I want to be able to go back and see the good and the bad. What God has brought us through. This year, I can honestly say continues to be better than last year. I love that Michelle and I meet every other week just to have dinner and catch up. I think this year has been our BEST birthday celebration! I also realized that a lot of the reasons I got to see Finley more were just related to the circumstances in life at the time. Michelle was still getting her hair done where I live. I would get to see her and Finley every time she came here. Finley was also a newborn during football season, so I'd get to see Finley on most game days too. Ken and I didn't even meet until 3 months before Finley was born, so most of her newborn life I was still single (not married). It was just a different time.

If you know Michelle or I, you know we tell people that we are "chosen-sisters". Neither of us have a sister, so we claim each other. So many people like to lessen our relationship. Since we aren't blood-related, then we come down to being "just friends". I have to disagree with those people. You can be blood-related and be so disfunctional that you don't know how to relate, communicate or love each other...some families don't even talk to each other. My friendship with her exceeds what so many sisters have.

A few weeks ago, at one of our bi-weekly dinners, I said out loud what neither of us like to hear. "We are scared that one day we could do or say something that makes the other so mad, that we walk away from this friendship. If we were real sisters, nothing could change that. No matter how mad we get, we'd always be related." Its a fear/thought that I think we've both had. What I realized this morning is that our relationship is like any other. Its a choice. Its like any decision we make in any relationship...with our parents, our siblings, our marriage, our kids, our friendships. Love is a choice! Its not a feeling. People can try all they want to take away from what she and I have, but its not going to work. The two of us know better than any person ever can or will (including our husbands), how much of a God-ordained-plan our friendship/sisterhood is. No one can take her from me. Its a choice that she and I make every day. Through the good, through the bad. In the trials and in the celebrations. God is the orchestrator and author of our relationship and only He is big enough to break it.

With all of this to say, I had an "aw-hah" moment regarding my friendship with Michelle. As I was thinking back onto 2010 and how our friendship changed, I used to look at it negatively b/c I don't like it when my relationships with people I love go through change. However, today I have a new perspective. I'm actually thankful for it. I'm not thankful for how I reacted to circumstances in my life and that I was trying to hold on to what I wanted in life at the time, or that I was acting selfishly. However, I am thankful that God works and moves even when we're living completely for "self". Our transition last year has grown the two of us. We have always relyed so much on each other, that sometimes we'd go to each other before taking things to God or our spouses. That is not a healthy way of living. We can't look to each other for sufficiency. I look back at some her big events and I couldn't be there for reasons beyond our control (Finley's birthday and Jude's baby shower). I know those were times God was teaching her that I can't always be there. Through our lack of phone conversations and seeing each other, it taught us to take our stresses and worries and life circumstances to Him...not to each other. Its taught me that over-analyzing every single situation can be all-consuming and sinful. So, now, looking back I can see that God was growing us spiritually so we didn't just sit in a comfortable, sinful relationship. He moved us into a more mature, more encouraging, more prayerful, more productive relationship. He grew us to not rely on each other, but to put Him in the center of us. He wants us to be more effective in this life, however, with the way we were funtioning, that wasn't going to happen. Praise God that He doesn't just leave sitting in muck! Praise God that we didn't decide to walk away from one another! Praise God that we choose to continue loving one another! Praise God for giving me a sister!

I love you, Cat's Pajamas! I will always be here to encourage you, pray for you, hold you accountable, keep my mouth shut, and LOVE you! La La!