I Will Always Remember

10 years ago today. I will always remember. I wish I didn't have to. I wish January 27th was just another day. Instead, its a date that I think about throughout the year. I think about it January 1st. I think about it almost everyday in January until its over. I think about it when I look to see who OSU's Men's Basketball team is playing close to that date and if they will actually have a game fall on that specific date. My heart breaks. I still cry. I still miss my friends.

10 years ago today, I lost some of my best friends. I lost a piece of me. I lost innocence. I questioned everything. I retreated from everyone and everything. I sunk into a depression...gaining weight and hating myself. I shut down. I closed myself off from almost everyone of my friends that knew them. I gave up on friendships that were amazing. I lost me.

The last "event" we all did together (Pat, Jared, Derek, Fizz, Tiffany, Soza, and Alana) was a Christmas party at my apartment. We played games. We had a gift card exchange...and I'm pretty sure of the guys brought $10 in $1's and said it was a gift certificate to The Dragon's Lair. Jared and Pat had a boxing match with my kickboxing bag. We had the best time!

January 27th, I was at home in Tulsa for the weekend. Bad weather was moving in from the west and my college boyfriend came back to school from his parents' house early. I was waiting until Sunday b/c my dad didn't want me to drive back after dark, by myself. My boyfriend and I were on the phone around 9pm and we just happened to have a lull in the conversation. I heard, through the phone, a special news report that came over the TV. A plane had gone down in Colorado. I sat up in my chair. The report continued on saying that the OSU's Men's Basketball team had been there playing a game at the University of Colorado, but it hadn't been confirmed if it was one of the team planes and they would keep us posted.

I called Fizz to tell her. She later told me that as soon as I told her, she knew it was one of our planes. I told her I would call her back after I knew more.

I called my boyfriend back and by the time I did, the news was back on saying that the plane was an OSU team plane....and there were no survivors.

I fell to the floor in my parents' laundry room. I dropped the phone and was bawling and yelling for my parents. My dad took the phone and told my boyfriend I'd call him later. My shock turned to action. I called the news stations in Tulsa trying to get more information. I'm sure they thought I was hysterical....I was. They told me they were still trying to gather information and they would report soon. I remember my dad handing me the phone to talk to our pastor (Bro. James), but honestly, I don't remember what he told me...I remember him encouraging me and I'm pretty sure he prayed with me. Next, I grabbed paper and was on the hunt for a pen. My parents were following me asking me what I was doing. I found a pen and made three columns. Before the team left, I typed up the list for Coach of who would fly on which plane....I HAD to remember who was on which plane.

Time stood still.

I called my boyfriend and told him to go to Fizz. Soon after, my parents and I headed to Stillwater. I called Pat over and over and over again. He ALWAYS answered his phone. This time he didn't. I refused to believe he was on that plane. I just kept telling myself that he was busy with everything that was going on. The list of names came over the radio on our way to Stillwater. Kendall Durfey. Bjorn Fahlstrom. Nate Fleming. Will Hancock. Daniel Lawson. Brian Luinstra. Denver Mills. Bill Teegins. And then the two names I didn't want to hear. Pat Noyes. Jared Weiberg.

My heart broke.

I sat in the back of my parents' van saying, "I prayed God would bring me some friends and now He's taken them away."

We got to the basketball office sometime after midnight. It was packed. Coach Sutton was still on the phone, personally calling the families himself. I don't remember much. I remember finding Fizz. Toni (our mentor and bible study leader) was there. I vaguely remember my mom answering phones. I have no idea what else was going on around me. I don't know how, when or why we left the office....but I think I got home after 3am. I couldn't sleep. Pat's sister, Molly, called the next morning and invited me to go to church with her and family and friends. I couldn't get myself out of bed. I regret that. I regret how selfish I became. I regret letting friendships go. I had a hard time facing anything that reminded me of Pat and Jared.

They were everywhere.

Their vehicles sat at the airport, which was right by my apartment. It was a daily reminder until the families came and got them. I went to work everyday that next week. I skipped class and worked at the basketball office. I did whatever I could to stay busy. I was a rock for others, but I was dying inside.

I remember a call coming in one day. A girl from Texas A&M asked Tiffany if she could speak with Pat. Tiffany started to cry, but I took the phone and handled it. We had a week of ceremonies and services. It was tiring. It was sad. I was also scheduled to sing the National Anthem at our first home basketball game (against Mizzou), since the crash. I didn't think I could do it. I thought about calling and telling them to find someone else. But, I couldn't let someone who didn't know these men have a part of this night. The game was packed with people and media. I was doing everything I could to not cry. I was strong. I sang my heart out. And, as I walked off the court, I cried.

I cried everyday. Everyday for a year. I remember that b/c I had to tell myself that it was time to stop crying everyday.

I didn't understand what God was doing. I didn't understand what I had done for God to be punishing me. I didn't understand why He was doing this just to teach me something. But, He finally showed me....it wasn't about me. I was being so self-centered to think that these men would lose their life just to show ME something...or teach ME something. I was so emotional, I couldn't even think straight. What I did learn is that if I go through trials and not learn something...anything...about myself or who God truly is, then I went through it for nothing.

The first year was really hard. I really struggled. I was trying to figure out this new "normal". One of the hardest moments was going into Gallagher-Iba after it was finished and we could move our offices from Cordell to our permanent home. It was a moment I knew would have made Pat so happy...and he wasn't there. I had fallen into such a depression that I couldn't even help when we did move the office. I didn't want to make the move without Pat and Jared. It was hard. It took me a long time to get past the depression.

Over the last 10 years, I've changed a lot. I can now look back and just be thankful for the friendships I had in Pat and Jared....and blessed just to have known them. I'm thankful for memories. I'm thankful that the Wednesday before the crash Pat and a few of us went to the lake after a game and just sat in the bed of my truck and talked. I'm thankful that I ran into Jared at Willard in-between classes, and we got to visit. (He also gave me $1 for a diet coke....I still owe him that $1). I'm thankful for all the time God allowed me to spend with each of these guys. They were beautiful!

I miss that we didn't get to have the Super Bowl party that Pat told me he was having as I was getting in my truck the day they left for Colorado. I miss talking to Pat and Jared everyday. I miss how Pat would call me some nights when he worked at the office late....he would call and just visit on his way home. I miss how Pat would jokingly say my last name....it made me laugh everytime. I miss how Pat would answer his phone to talk to you every time you called. I miss how Pat made everyone feel like they were his best friend. I miss watching Pat at basketball games, while he sat at the media table trying to keep a straight-face (he wasn't allowed to cheer or get mad or do anything that favored either team). I miss how Jared cared about every single person that crossed his path. I miss how Jared was protective of all us girls that worked in the office. I miss Jared's big hugs. I miss what a servant Jared was. I miss "National White Trash Day". I miss their smiles. I miss game nights. I miss the night we all got together at Jared's to watch the series finale of "Beverly Hills, 90210" (the ORIGINAL). I miss getting bricks from Gallagher-Iba in the middle of the night. I miss our night out at Joe's and me wearing the SAME outfit to work the next day...and being made fun of for it (and rightfully so! Seriously! What was I thinking?). I miss all the guys being out and calling me in the middle of the night trying to scare me (not just trying, they succeeded). I miss going to OKC for dinner and the haunted warehouse. I miss all the fun we had. I miss my friends.

I will remember them forever. They will forever be a part of me.