Its been a day...

Disappointment.

Defeat.

Anger.

Frustration.

Sadness.

Loss of a dream.

All of these things, Ken and I felt today. Ever since we started dating, I knew it was a dream of his to be a pilot. We started planning for this dream to come true. We decided he should take aviation through the university b/c we can take out school loans instead of paying up front, out of pocket. We thought everything was falling into place. He got the perfect work schedule to be able to attend class. He was accepted to OSU. He was accepted into the aviation program. He got his books. He had his flight physical. He attended his first class. He had his first flight lab meeting. He was awarded financial aid. I was so excited for him on Monday night, I went out and got him a card to congratulate him on going for his dream, I got him and ice cream cake and took him to dinner. I got my hopes up too! I was already planning when I could go take pictures of his first flight! I hadn’t quite gotten to the point to where I was excited to fly…but I was SO excited for him! And then at a meeting he found out that before he could fly he had to have all the money up front. We were under the impression that financial aid covered that. And it did. We went to financial aid to make sure he was going to get enough money to pay for it all. However, after talking to them we realized that he has utilized all the financial aid possible through the other university he is attending right now. We both felt completely defeated walking out of the financial aid office. Neither of us said a word. Over lunch, we tried to come up with ANY way possible to pull this off, but he finally said that he wasn’t going to run us into the ground financially to pursue this. As a “fixer” and a wife who hates to see her husband disappointed, I was fine with taking out a loan so he could pursue this dream, but in my submission I also knew that he was right. He dropped his ground school class and flight lab when we got home.

The disappointment is clear! To let go of something that you’ve dreamt of for so long! To have it in the palm of your hand and then have it taken from you! To attend class, get excited and then to be let down.

Defeat. This was our future! We had so many ideas and places we could go. Plans for our family and our future just gone in a matter of minutes. We are back to square one. We are back to a place we were trying to get out of. We both feel like we just can’t get ahead!!!

Anger. Most of you probably don’t want to hear me say this, but I was mad at God! I don’t understand why he would let Ken get his hopes up and then just snatch it from him. Through this entire process we both had a complete peace about it. We both really felt this was where God was going to take us. I’m mad that I had to see his disappointment. I’m mad that we got so far in the process just to see it taken away.

Frustration. We’re back to square one. Have I said that already? I’m frustrated that we have to come up with a “Plan B”…I liked our “Plan A”!!!! I’m frustrated that we are stuck where we are for awhile. I’m frustrated b/c I feel like God isn’t “listening” or doesn’t “understand” what we are wanting.

Sadness. I’m sad to that we’ve only been married three months and my husband is going through this. I’m sad that what we thought was a good plan for our family, turned out to not be THE plan. I’m sad that we went most of the day not talking b/c we didn’t want to talk about it. I’m sad Ken is having to give up on this dream…for now.

Loss of a dream. We had to let go of a dream today. We had to lay it at the foot of God’s throne and walk away. I know this may sound dramatic to those of you who haven’t been through this, but for those of you who have…you know what I mean when I say we truly mourned the loss today. We had to walk away from something that is completely out of our control…something that we can’t fix. Something that only God is in control of.

I love my God! He is absolutely wonderful, absolutely gracious, absolutely loving, and absolutely perfect!!! His timing is wonderful, gracious, loving and perfect! I’ve learned that my “Plan A” isn’t usually God’s PLAN! He doesn’t have a “Plan A” or a “Plan B”. I’ve also learned in all my life, that when I’m disappointed in the way things are going, God’s plan is ALWAYS so much better than I could have imagined! It brings me back to what I learned at the “Deeper Still” conference (which I’ve been wanting to blog about since I got back). Pricsilla Shirer taught on:

Ephesians 3:20-21:
“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

I love the way she broke it down for us (her notes are in italics)–
~ “Now” – the time – The time is NOW to consider the greatness of God! What’s impossible to you? Connect the able-ness of God to your personal impossible prison. Do you get so discouraged in your praying that you are now expecting God to NOT answer??? God can, right in the middle of what you’re in, do above what we can even think. Bring together God’s ability and your “now”-ness!!!

Do I honestly think that God isn’t going to lead us or answer us? Do I honestly think that He isn’t going to do what’s best for us? I know He hasn’t forgotten us! I know He hasn’t stopped listening to us! We have to connect His able-ness to our future! And know…and BELIEVE…that He will provide.

~ “to Him” – turning – NOW is the time to TURN to Him! A deliberate choice to adjust your vision. Don’t fix your eyes on your circumstances or the details of your trials/impossible situation. Fix your eyes on Him! Purposefully, consciously fixing your attention on Him!!! Open your eyes and get a great angle of God, so He’s SO big that it minimizes your problems. Psalm 46:10 says “The activity of our faith is rest”. We wouldn’t be so stressed out or frustrated or try to control everybody/everything if we REALLY rest in Him and live life as we know we are in the palm of His hands!

Our eyes should be fixing on Him! Its not easy…its purposeful and conscious! To let God be SO big, that my problems become so small! I’m a fixer!!! To let go of the control I THINK I have is hard. We are in the palm of His hands!!! I need to release my need to control and trust Him alone. Trust that He will use us beyond what we could imagine.

~ “who is able to do” – the truth – GOD IS ABLE!!!! God has power to completely change everything going on around you! Power isn’t something God has….Power is WHO God IS!!!! God is “able to do” FOR YOU! It is possible to walk with Him and have a relationship with Him and still not BELIEVE He can do “it” for YOU!

Believe that He can and will DO for us!!! His blessings and plans aren’t just for others…but they are for Ken and I! We just have to trust, pray and wait for His timing. AND, allow Him to use us where He has us right now!

~ “exceedingly and abundantly above” – transcendence – God is NOT a greater version of us (humans). He is in a class all His own!!! God does BEYOND what you already think is “beyond”! He goes beyond our imagination! He exceeds our expectations!!! This should change your prayer life! You’re not going before a “weakling”, but before THE GOD who has dynamite power!!! We all put God in a box. God isn’t contained to that little box b/c He is still working and moving!!! Don’t put a lid on that box!!!! Your box is ONLY what you know of Him up to this point in your life.

My God does exceedingly, abundantly ABOVE!!!!! He goes “beyond the beyond”!!!! He abundantly exceeds our expectations!!!! Our expectation was flight school…and one day Ken being a pilot. What is His plan? We don’t know…but we know it will be exceedingly and abundantly ABOVE our plan!

~ “all that we ask or think” – totality – If it concerns you, it concerns God! Are you trusting Him with the little things that make a difference to you? The best a human can do is sympathize with you….and sometimes their sympathy runs out.

God’s love and understanding NEVER run out! Today tested my trust in Him. I felt like He wasn’t listening or didn’t understand…but HE DOES! He just sees more than I can! He knows more about us than we do. He has gone before us and knows how we can be best used for Him. We have to trust Him. Take this dream and lay it at His feet! This dream makes a difference to us….that means its important to Him!

~ “according to the power that works in us” – turbo-power – all the previous parts of this verse depend on this POWER that’s inside the believer! The Holy Spirit – who is FULLY God…His grandeur, His glory, His power…lives inside you! Its possible to not completely use the full potential of the Holy Spirit. Cooperate with His purposes!

We are called to cooperate with Him and His purposes!!! For some reason, flight school isn’t the plan right now. We still continue to hope and pray and dream that it will be one day...but for now, we will choose to follow where God is leading. We will choose to be used where we are right now. We will choose to allow the Holy Spirit to work in us….growing us and using us! We will choose to be obedient…and the hard part is to not question His actions. To be content with where we are.

~ “to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen” – tribute!

Our lives are a tribute to Christ! Our lives and how we live them reveals our Savior to others. May Ken’s and my life be a tribute to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior...to ALL generations. If nothing else, I hope that we can use this to teach our children! I pray this situation will also bring opportunity for us to glorify God. We don’t understand what He is doing, but we do trust what He is doing.

“Believing that He CAN is our business; Whether or not He WILL do it (His sovereignty) is His business!!!" He loves us!!!

God IS ABLE!!! And He is able to SURPRISE!

I am waiting for our surprise!

Psalm 145:17
“The Lord is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.”