Boundaries

Boundaries in our life are a must. Sometimes they are difficult to set, other times they are pretty simple.

When I got married, the boundaries weren't necessarily with people. I had to prioritize differently. How much money I spent and where my money was going. My time at church was downsized so I could be at home with my husband. I also had to set boundaries with my workout routine. I didn't want to stay away from home and my new husband, but I had to learn that its important to keep my body healthy and I couldn't stop working out. I had to realize its "okay" to say that I didn't want to do something with my friends b/c I just wanted to be at home. New boundaries were set with our families. The Bible talks about leaving your family and cleaving to your spouse. They weren't "bad" boundaries...just boundaries that made our relationships look different.

The biggest lesson I've learned this year is that I can forgive people, but still set a boundary in our relationship. There were a few times this year that the healthy boundary was to say good-bye to some friendships. Those are the hardest. People who we thought loved us and had our best interest at heart. People that we shared life with. People that we celebrated with and cried with. And, then realizing that most of it was fake. Hurtful things were said behind our back. Lies were told. Stories made up. Finding out that people who we thought really cared about us were saying things about us that contradicted the relationship we thought we had with them. Forgiveness, but walking away from relationships that were consistently negative.

Other boundaries we've had to set are leaving our church. That wasn't easy for us. However, we believe it was the right decision for us b/c we could no longer sit under the teaching after learning about the leadership of our church. It was hurtful.

Not all relationships, even the hurtful ones, require "cutting all ties". In fact, I believe that is the last resort. Please don't think that I am saying to walk away from any relationship that is hard or if someone hurts you one time. Its the actions of someone's consistent character and lack of change. There are only so many times you can go back and get hurt again. I want to share a story with you that I heard from another blogger-friend. Its a story her counselor shared with her and its very relevant to setting boundaries:

"My counselor told me a story about a little girl and a dog. The little girl lives next door to this very cute dog. She wants the dog to like her so everyday she goes to the fence and tries to talk to the dog and pet him. And everyday the dog barks and barks. Growls and growls. Chomps and chomps. He is a mean dog. He does not like her. He did not like her yesterday. He does not like her today. And if the world works the way it usually does, this dog is not going to like her tomorrow.

Still, she presses on, desperate for the dog to be her friend.

And every morning she goes and sticks her fingers through that fence and every morning that mean dog is still very mean.

One day the dog bites her.

Here’s the question we have to ask though: Did she lose her fingers because of the dog or did she lose them because of herself?

A few years ago I told my counselor that she lost them because of the dog. He was mean. He bit her fingers off. He attacked her. He never would be nice. He wouldn’t like the little girl no matter how hard she tried and he was to blame for that. That dog was mean and stupid and left the girl hand less. Bad dog. I hate dogs.

My counselor’s response?

"That girl lost her fingers because she refused to acknowledge reality. It was her fault the dog bit her. It was her fault that she was hurt over and over again everyday. It was her responsibility to make a logical decision about that dog and she refused to do so. So she lost her fingers. The dog was innocent. That little girl was completely to blame for what happened to her because even though she knew the dog was mean, but she refused to accept that as reality. You are that little girl."

Albert Einstein defined insanity as, "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

That means that in the story with the dog, the dog is not to blame; the little girl is. The dog was consistent. He was consistently mean and angry and violent. His behavior was typical. Should the dog be mean? No. Should the dog bite fingers? No. Is the dog a nice dog? No. But those are not questions that the little girl gets to answer or decide. The dog is being who the dog is… it’s not her job, her right, or her Christian duty to make that dog nice. First you have to realize that. You cannot change the behavior of someone else. You cannot change the outcome of something or someone that is out of your control (i.e. your day, your companies decisions, or any human being).

So now she has a choice: Do I let the dog be? Or do I continue to go back to the dog, day after day, hoping that he has changed?

Well, Albert Einstein, and a whole bunch or really smart shrinks would tell you that by going back to the dog you are essentially exhibiting behaviors of someone who is in insane. That’s not fun to hear is it? Your actions are INSANE. You are to blame. You are responsible for yourself and are harming yourself… the dog doesn’t have power to hurt you."

At some point in life, you have to stop going back to the fence. You have to make the choice. One of my favorite quotes (that you hear often on here) is that "I allow all people to talk TO me, but I only allow a FEW to speak into me and over me." We choose how close people can get to us...not the other way around. We have to let the Holy Spirit guide us in that decision and how many boundaries to set. We have to realize that if we are allowing someone else to manipulate and dictate the decisions we make, then we are allowing them to control us. We are putting their desires over the desires of God.

"If you are letting someone control you, you are committing the sin of idolatry. Putting their will for your life over God's will for your life is idolatry." ~Craig Groeschel

I challenge you to take a good look at the relationships around you. Which ones are destroying you? Which are destroying and taking away from your relationship with God? Which are taking away from your family? Which ones are discouraging you from serving people and putting others above yourself? Seek the Lord's guidance and start setting boundaries today.

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