Letting Go

The hardest relationships are the one's you have to let go. None of us can get through this life without heartache and saying good-bye. In a matter of 3 years, I had to say good-bye to some significant relationships.

I went through a period where I thought God took these people from me to teach me a lesson. I was so hurt and didn't understand why he would do that just for me to learn something. He didn't. It was selfish and vain for me to think it was all about me. It makes me laugh at myself when I think back. I learned so much about God during these times and He taught me a lot about myself.

Every time I go through loss, I always think about the different stages of grief. I only knew a couple off the top of my head, but I got the rest of the information from here.

1. Denial and isolation - I love that the site mentioned says we go through this because its "a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock". So true. I remember in all situations that I had to keep reminding myself that it was true. I had truly lost this person. This is probably the shortest of the stages because you can't fake the truth.

2. Anger - Do we really need to talk about this? :) We all know this is a part of grief. Its interesting who or what we choose to be angry at. Ourselves. Doctor's. The person who passed away. Cancer or any other sickness. The person who is left alive. Anger can last a long time if we allow it to. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a time that you are angry (especially depending on the circumstances), however we can allow ourselves to waller in it so long that it affects the rest of our life and the relationships we still have.

3. Bargaining - I don't think I can count the times that I have tried to bargain with God. A lot of us do this because we don't want to be out of "control". If we can just bargain and "work" then the pain won't really set in your mind. However, at some point, the realization that bargains aren't going to work set in. This can be worse for a break-up or a divorce or any relationship ending. We question ourselves and the other person until we're blue in the face. We just want to fix the problem.

4. Depression - I've definitely had my fair share. I remember after 2 of my friends died, I was working on a project for school. I had set it down on the floor next to me. I looked over and saw my signature and in that moment hated everything about myself and life. I stopped cleaning my house. I gained weight. I was so hurt and lost that I just sunk. Its normal. I pray that if you are feeling this way that you seek help. I didn't think I needed it. I so wish I could go back and see a counselor at that moment in my life. Depression can rob you of so much that life has to offer! God doesn't desire for us to sit in a life full of darkness.

I think that stages 2-4 can really intermingle. It seems that every time I was grieving, I would jump from one to another just depending on the day.

5. Acceptance - This stage comes at different times for everyone. And, sadly, some people never get to this point. This stage is hard for many because I think so many of us think it means to "be over it". We are never over loss of any kind. I still miss my cat, Dexter...and she was a cat! I still hate that she is gone and still don't want another cat because of how much it hurt. Have I accepted it? Yes. But, that never means that I'm "over" her. This stage is so hard because its reaching a place in life where you just give the circumstances to the Lord and rest in His peace. You allow Him to heal you. It doesn't mean you forget. It doesn't mean you don't cry sometimes. It doesn't mean you replace. It just means healing.

I remember an analogy I heard from a friend as I was going through loss. He and I served in college ministry together as "adult" workers. We led tables of college students, but in the beginning there were more "adults" than needed to fill each table. I love that God put me at this table b/c I think this story was truly meant for me. He said that God places things in our hand to hold onto. Most of us will close our hand as not to lose it. Some of us, grip so tightly thinking that the harder we hold on, the less likely it is to be taken away from us. But, if and when God is ready to take it, it would be easier if our hand is open freely to Him. The harder you hold on to something, the more pain there is in losing it.

We all handle grief differently and in our own time. Its important to actually grieve! I encourage my young college girls to even grieve the loss of an expectation. If we don't, then we hang onto something we desire that we will never get. Grieve when you don't get the job you want. Grieve when you don't get the wedding you dreamed of. Grieve over the loss of a pet. There are many experiences in life that we don't expect and its okay to grieve those. I learned this lesson from Kelley. I encourage you to read her story here. She grieved the expectation she had for her life and then took on the world! For us to be strong and move forward, we have to allow the grief process and deal with our loss.

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