Loneliness

***I wrote this almost a year ago. I never posted it b/c it was pretty personal at the time, but after reading it I do want to share it b/c it might just help encourage someone out there in blogger-land. I will update you that everything is perfect and all tests since then have come back normal.***
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Have you ever been so lonely that even though you are surrounded my family and friends and all their support, you are still just lonely! Or even that you feel so lonely, that you just want to BE alone?

I had my annual appointment with my gynecologist last week. For the first time ever, it came back abnormal. I have never felt this type of loneliness. Its weird. People tell you that everything is going to be fine and not to worry, but you hang up the phone or go into the next room….and cry….and its still you. You, with this problem. And, you with this problem that could turn out to be very serious. And, that’s where I feel lonely. Its not happening to anyone else’s body, but mine. So, after they tell you that you are going to be ok…they can turn around and move forward with their lives.

It made me remember a friend of mine who passed away due to cancer a while ago. How lonely she must have felt some days! I am sure she didn't feel that every day b/c there were so many that cared for her and let her know they were hurting with her. However, no matter how much we tried to be there for her, she was the one dying. Everyone else was able to go on living. I do want to make sure that I add how beautiful her life was! She took everyday and made it about that moment. She wanted to watch her kids live as long as she could. I never once heard her complain. I never heard a single angry work come from her mouth. I know there might have been days that her family heard her heart...but ultimately, her heart was for Christ to be glorified! And, He was glorified through her! Her death was very sad and very painful for me…and I’m not even family. So, when I say this is lonely…by no means do I mean that others close to the situation aren’t a part of the pain. Life changes drastically for them!

My point is to say that these situations of character-building-trials make us feel alone. No one can help you. No one can feel what’s happening to your own body. No one else gets cancer (or insert trial here) with you! No one gets why you just want to yell, “This is my body!!! Its easy for you to say “its ok” when you don’t have to live with the outcome!” And then in your own head, you’re screaming NOT to say those words to those who love you….because they do love you and they will hurt with you!

And this would be where I insert what I know biblically…even though in the moment of trial, what I’ve learned doesn’t just make everything go away or make me feel instantly better. But, God’s grace is 100% sufficient! I’ve known that and lived that for a long time. But this life can still be scary and situations like these make me come back to His throne to rely ONLY on Him…not Ken, not Michelle, not my family, not my friends. They have only words and earthly love to offer (and PRAISE GOD for that), but God alone has the ultimate love and comfort that passes our understanding. He is the Creator of this body of mine. He loves me like no other! His plan for me is perfect for His ultimate plan!

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing…